How many times can I use the term “nu-metal”?

In the way that T-Pain’s forays into autotune spawned a million flagrant abominations involving the software, is Weezy’s “Prom Queen” going to usher in a new era of nu-metal? I certainly hope not, my face has already bore ample expressions of disgust owing to the first wave of nu-metal. NB: Rage Against the Machine are exempt in this context as they were (once) great and not only had the thoroughly sick voice and searing lyrics of Zack de la Rocha going for them, but also the erectionary guitar of Tom Morello and pop-riveted rhythm section of Brad Wilk and Tim Commerford. They are also exempt because they obviously chronologically predate the abortive first wave of nu-metal.

Back to Weezy chanelling Linkin Park… is this an attempt to branch out to the few remaining white middle-class suburban teenagers who aren’t into hip-hop and only like music with guitars? Is this Weezy trying to 180 it like Kanye? Is he midway through a scaled-up version of Joaquin Phoenix’s rap career hoax?

For anyone that doesn’t remember the veritable sardine casserole that was nu-metal, here is the tracklisting for a compilation I bought when I was 15. It was put out by Loud Records and is called “Loud Rocks”. As the genius title alludes to, it’s a bunch of “rock”, nu-metal and “other” bands “teaming up” with Loud artists and “giving them the rock treatment”. I bought it with youthfully high expectations but they were obliterated to death pretty quickly.

01. System of a Down & Wu-Tang Clan “Shame”

02. Sugar Ray & Tha Alkaholiks “Make Room”
03. Static-X & dead prez “Hip Hop”
04. Endo & Xzibit “Los Angeles Times”
05. Everlast & Mobb Deep “Shook Ones Pt II”
06. Tom Morello & Chad Smith & Wu-Tang Clan “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nothing Ta Fuck Wit”
07. Crazy Town & The Alkaholiks “Only When I’m Drunk”

08. Sevendust & Xzibit “What U See Is What U Get”
09. Grunge is Dead & M.O.P “How Bout Some Hardcore”

10. Ozzy Osborne & Tommy Iommi “For Heaven’s Sake 2000”
11. Shootyz Groove & Big Pun “Caribbean Connection”

12. Sick of it All & Mobb Deep “Survival of the Fittest”

13. Incubus & Big Pun “Still not a Player”

Surely none of this needs to be relived. Especially not in the reverse context of hip-hop acts veering towards the tinny/compressed guitar direction (compared to tinny/compressed guitar acts trying to incorporate rap musics into their struggle).

Given the “cooling-off time” of recyclable trends is getting noticeably shorter, the threat of nu-metal sinking it’s teeth back in sometime soon is a legitimate one, especially with the star power of Lil’ Wayne behind it. All that needs to happen is the Neptunes to make a Mudvayne-esque beat for the Clipse, or Kanye to change his emotion from “heartbroken melancholy” to “barely contained anger” and BAM it’s on. “Welcome to Hearbreak” sounded like a Linkin Park track anyway so maybe the wheels are actually already in motion.

There’s also Brokencyde but I don’t know if they’re actually a real thing, so am hesitant to throw them into the socio-analytical breakdown just yet. Can anyone confirm or deny them being an art-school prank a la Test Icicles? Can anyone confirm that Test Icicles were an art-school prank?

The worst part about “Prom Queen” is that it’s nu-metal with autotune. So rather than the devil you know versus the devil you don’t, we are now staring down the barrel of two separate devils, both of whom we are reasonably familiar with by this stage. It’s hard to say if one devil will fade away soon and offer some respite, but we do know that once the think break arrives, the whole thing will have gone full-scale pandemic.  

What is needed is some NME bands to “save rock ‘n’ roll” again. During the mire of Papa Roach and their milieux, NME declared on a week to week basis that The Strokes, the White Stripes, The Vines, Interpol, The Hives, The Datsuns, The Cooper Temple Clause, The Distillers, The Von Bondies and countless others were all saving or about to save rock ‘n’ roll. Kings of Leon were also part of said crusade but I feel that their transcendence to Coldplay-status puts them outside of rock ‘n’ roll saviour contention. Is there any pop-punk charting at the moment?

While I’m here, who is in charge of not letting Lil’ Wayne be photographed holding an Emily the Strange Epiphone SG? Because they’re not really excelling at their job.

a) Epiphone. Surely the dollars on hand would have stretched to Gibson? I bet Lil’ Wayne doesn’t drive a Honda Jazz, so why go with this guitar?

b) Emily the Strange. It’s aimed at teenage girls isn’t it? Or uni student girls in Flaming Lips t-shirts? Or Jamie Lee Curtis in Freaky Friday? [RHETORICAL QUESTIONS]

Why is Lil’ Wayne wielding a piece of low-cost, forgotten alternateen history?

As you may already be aware, life is hard. Times are tough and there is nothing tougher than going out to a nightclub scenario, where something moderately annoying could happen at any time:

…

1. $8.50 for a gin & tonic and you have the SHEER AUDACITY to give me a bastard-cut piece of lemon instead of a wedge of lime? We’re not in Reykjavik mate.

2. You’re standing at the bar and it’s just you and some teenage hipster girls in hooded leather jackets. Suddenly it smells a bit like poo indicating that someone has farted. It wasn’t you but this girl is staring at you as if to suggest it was, when you know that her and her friends have shelved dingbats and it was almost certainly one of them making things smell pretty terrible. Note to people shelving dingbats: don’t listen to your co-shelving friends when they go “nah you’re just paranoid, no-one can smell anything”.  

3. Semi-relating to the previous point, the term “drug fuelled” and using it to describe how wicked your club night is. Someone recently pointed out that more often than not it’s just an inadvertent euphemism for “an 18 year girl shits herself on the dancefloor and a dude gets kicked out for vomiting on his own shoes”.

4. A bunch of heaps blokey ladsy jocks (the same dudes that call you a “poofta” for wearing skinny jeans) rocking up to the bar and all ordering Cocksucking Cowboys. Seriously you petals, get a choc milk at the convenience store down the road instead of tying up the inept bar staff for 5mins while they struggle with layering varying types of liquid sugar.

5. DJs that think they’re in the running to record the next FabricLive but realistically couldn’t mix a Fire Engine… Just because 2manyDJs did Royksopp with Dolly Parton doesn’t give you an automatic license to poorly mix Tone Loc with the Doors for 3 minutes. It’s less of a trainwreck and more of a horserace. Please take a second to think about what you believe in 

6. DJs on at 9pm who feel the urge to batter the 7 people in the room with poundingly shit fidget house whilst the bar staff are still setting up.

7. Actually just DJs in general.

8. I’m not even going to go into the issue of laptops in the club.

9. Annoying punters who have a shit night out and then bitchingly dissect it on the internet when they get home.  

It’s cool that technology is now cheaper and more available, but
obviously disastrously bad that it’s given rise to such a tidal wave of
grossness. The same plug-in making the same glitch effect, the same
sawtooth synthbass patch and the same bitcrushed LA Style sample. Too
many kids with software that is too easy to use making songs that are
too horrible to listen to yet are getting played by DJs that are too
horrible to get booked yet are getting booked by fuckwits. Fuckin
fuckwits ruining shit for everyone. By everyone I mean some people.

I could stop whinging and just stop using blogs when my penchant for an
alright track flares up but whilst that would solve the problem for me,
it would still leave the underlying issue with you and quite possibly
your significant other or close friends.

The problem is there aren’t that many geniuses around. Most geniuses
made the transition from loser to genius by slaving away on a cheap
sampler/keyboard/Squire for years until they knew what they were doing
inside out. Now the “acquiring talent” stage has been all but cut out of
the equation and it’s an express train to flashing gifs advertising your
most recent fidgetmore mixtape. [YOU COULD LIKEN THIS TO HOW YEARS AGO
YOU NEEDED A JOURNALISM DEGREE, HEAPS OF HOOK-UPS/SCENE POINTS AND A
MICROSCOPIC SALARY TO GET ANY MUSIC WRITING PUBLISHED BUT NOW I CAN DO
IT BECAUSE OF THE INTERNET BUT THAT IS ANOTHER TOPIC FOR ANOTHER TIME]

You don’t even need geniuses (actually genii?). If people exercised some
degree of taste or discernment and were actually able to spot their work
as being disgusting, it would make life easier for everyone. There’d be
less horror to wade through and a greatly boosted chance of actually
being able to get excited about something good. Maybe shut down Zshare
for 6 months so the Internet Remix Academy can move on to something else
like BMX or another poignant youth sub-culture reference.