Street Style

It’s all well and good to visit A-Grade meathouses and significant Diners or Restaurants to pursue The Ultimate Burger in the USA, but most folk will succumb to the shiny, glistening lure of endless strip mall fast food chains at some stage on their ramblings. The comfort and sheen of opportunity worker cleaned toilets. The persistent, nagging road signs. The towering brand icons of meaty nirvana all shiny, bright and like a sirens song of belly filling wonder. It’s all there, it’s all for you. Forget eating well. This is the pit stop for the needy, the yardstick for gut-rot, the benchmarking of the best of the worst. Dig in, dip that shit in ketchup, mop your brow, swallow that choking feeling. Here we go…

All scores out of 20 based on the following criteria -

4 points - Bouquet (B) - what that burger stinks of

4 points - Visual Appeal (VA) - train wreck? pant sandwich? food stylists envy?

8 points - Palate (P) - get that in ya mouth… yum yum…

4 points - Aftermath (AM) - that’s right, how it sits and how it shits

Sonic - On initial approach this is a top notch burger. First whiff reveals notes of earthy mince and acrid, smoky/savoury tones and the hint of sweet, white burger bun unencumbered by sesame seeds. Contains flame grilled patty, or flame grill flavour enchancer flavoured patty, with full accoutrement of ketchup, mayonnaise and mustard available. Composed with almost-fresh tomato slices, lettuce, diced white onion and sweet and sour pickle slices, this is a classic snatch and grab burger that looks like the well balanced one in the posters. Less bullshit cajoles me into enjoying this bad boy, and their is minimal face and hand spray from the sloppy sauce. Comes in a custom made foil and paper burger holder that assists with back end leakage when eating. This is actually an above standard burger, all component aspects actually resemble the flavour spectrums of what they should taste like and the balance between meat, salad stuffs and sloppy sauce works well. Sadly, regional variation on standards of burger reduce score, but points for making all burgers fresh. Steer clear of the “Coneys” - limp looking dog “lipsticks” in soggy buns with chilli-resembling-turd vomited on top.

SONIC Cheeseburger - 3 (B), 3.5 (VA), 7 (P), 3 (AM) = 16.5/20

BurgerKing - Tried and tested. The undisputed prince among mega-chain burgers. You get that flame grill odour, you get that flame grill taste, you get shredded lettuce, you get the sauce, you get a burger that holds itself together in your hand. My problem? Its insipid. Where is the funk? From a once great, fresh burger per order hype-fest to standardised practice fast food doyen, this is the middle of the road burger that does for meat and buns what spaghetti bolognese does for comfort food. More calories than a Big Mac (670 kcal to 540 kcal) means more flavour, more punch. Having graduated out of a Kaiser roll and into a Sesame Seed bun mid 1980’s, the Whopper flew high in the fast food market for size and substance, producing a more “milk bar” style burger for the masses. Sadly they have homogenized, and therefore its got the standard fare in it: 1/4 pound patty, lettuce, tomato, pickles, mayonnaise and ketchup but throws sliced onion rings into the mix, rather than the diced stuff other joints throw down. More “real” doesnt keep it from being a tad on the done and done side of burgers, but reliability does have its rewards. That and ease on on the bowels…

Burger King Whopper with Cheese - 3 (B), 3 (VA), 6.5 (P), 3 (AM) = 15.5/2

Carl’s Jr - Whoa! Take a deep, intoxicating whiff of the meaty, gamey stank of Carl’s Jr patties. Ripe, half man half meat patties that have the kind of sour/ripe odour often reserved for developing nations attempts at American pride, this burger kicks off on a bad, bland note. Getting past the deep, meaty tones and into the actual mouthful of burger, one could be convinced to hold their snout as they snuffle in. It’s a 100% Angus Beef charbroiled meat patty. Could be the benzopyrene from the flame grilling here throwing out the stink. Just cant get past it. Fuck. Ok. So, the addition of Spanish onion and a second slice of cheese adds a little piquant and yet greasy texture that says “hey dude, I’m trying my hardest here”. Good effort. Toasted bun, mayo/ketchup combo, lettuce, two slices of tomato… we’re getting there but, we’re let down by the aromas. Still burned into my nasal cavity, I’m beginning to think the cheese is the septic catalyst. Goes down ok. Odor lingers. Thank fuck the tequila from the night before in my reflux is keeping things in check.

Carl’s Jr The Original Six Dollar Burger™ - 0 (B), 2.5 (VA), 6 (P), 2 (AM) = 10.5/20

Wendy’s - A real surprise package from the Worst-Uniformed-Staff in Burgerdom. Looks good, smells good, even hits your palate with a little texture. The Wendy’s chain fell out of flower power 1969 in the heartlands of the USA Midwest, Ohio. Now the 3rd largest chain behind Maccas and BK, Wendy’s models its burgers on the “home-style” burgers of independent sandwich and thickshake joints of the late ’50s and early ’60s. Frightening and intriguing are the square shaped patties that hang at obtuse angles out the sides of the Premium Enriched Wheat bun. Has the general fillings expected, no twists. The meat tastes pretty good, natural mince flavour and light grilling help here. The burger slips and slides a little on its square peg in a round hole style geometry, but there is light at the end of the tunnel here. Sits well, lack of chemical burn and mayo belching appreciated. Still reeling from square patty as I just cant get my head around what they do with the corners…

Wendy’s Old Fashioned 1/4 Pounder Single - 3 (B), 1.5 (VA), 6 (P), 3 (AM) = 13.5/20

McDonald’s - Status quo the world over. You know how this one rolls. Twoallbeefpattiespicklesandotherstuffthattastesthesameandkindofsatisfiedandoddlyqueasy5minuteslater. Always smells kind of rubbery and slightly charry, sloppy in the mouth but held together by sinister plastic cheese. Sure the mayo is good and the pickles polarize, but overall you know this is the yardstick of fast food. Always an each way bet.

McDonald’s Big Mac - 2 (B) 3 (VA) 5.5 (P) 3 (AM) = 13.5/20

Hardee’s - Rife with innuendo (the Cheesy Fries come with some warning about it going all over the place and over your face) the Thick Burger delights with suggestions of genetalia from the get go. 100% Black Angus prime beef in ya buns. Get it in ya. So its “charbroiled” meat here again, searingly yellow American cheese, lettuce, tomato, mayo, ketchup, mustard, dill pickles and the thrill of red onion for some spicy zing. Its ostensibly a well put together burger, smells like its meant to, tastes like meat, hangs in the mouth well with a little smokiness and the sauce combo is spot on. This is a souped up version of the Carl’s Jr burger offerings. Hardee’s was developed in the late 1950s as a premium hamburger restaurant and resumed this mantle when purchased by the Carl’s Jr parent company. One of Hardee’s original gimmicks was a hexagonal patty to match its at the time hexagonal logo all to match the hexagonal part of the cow the meat comes from… The Thick Burger can look pretty average, but in flavour profile lifts with clean, fresh tasting component parts and a core of well balanced sauce to meat to vegetable ratio. Post burger remorse is relatively low, and greasy guts seemed minimal following the meal.

Hardee’s Thick Burger - 3.5 (B) 3 (VA) 7.5 (P) 3.5 (AM) = 17.5/20

Denny’s - More restaurant that pure fast food joint but still with the drooling, gaping, softly spoken walking foetus staffing policy one would expect from any good strip mall. Breakfast is a speciality with Denny’s, but burgers come out at lunch in a variety of guises. Steer clear of the Western Burger with its steak sauce and deep fried onion rings as burger additions, the spicy, watery chipotle drizzle tasting more like animal fat with vinegar than a BBQ sauce. The Classic Cheeseburger ironically comes without cheese, but one can also choose American, Swiss or Cheddar depending on your orientation. Pretty funny considering the Denny’s chain went through a series of litigation cases regarding racial discrimination by servers at a number of restaurants against African-American customers. This was the early 1990’s and customer service needed polishing - the most scintillating case being Ferraro (1995) where black customers were suing Denny’s for forcing them to pay up front (the restaurant is full service) as some other “black guys had caused a scene earlier”. Denny’s also has a checkered history of violence in its outlets with a spate of shootings occuring in restaurants between March 2006 and January 2007. Anyways, the burgers probably drive people to violence, the meat is a wishy, washy limp looking patty with suspect bits poking out of its lumpy facade. Standard lettuce, tomato, ketchup combo ensues, but the texture throws ones palate out immediately. Its when the meat is juicier than the tomato you begin to worry. 24 hour, 7 day a week, full service doesn’t help the food.

Denny’s Classic Cheeseburger - 2 (B) 3 (VA) 4 (P) 2.5 (AM) = 11.5/20

in-n-out Burger by Pointnshoot

In-N-Out Burger -A West Coast icon, the In-N-Out Burger franchise has the simplest menu known to man kind. One hamburger, one cheeseburger, fries. Of course their is accompanying bottomless cup drinks, but thats an aside to the real deal. In-N-Out isn’t reinventing the wheel, just throwing some radials on. This is unadulterated burger nirvana. Perfect buns enclose slightly smoky patties which flex real meat flavours under the “special” In-N-Out sauce. Lettuce, tomatoes, onions, pickles. Yup all there. Super fresh, made to order, in the right balance and with a raft of “secret” additions available (off menu jalapenos, bbq sauce, chipotle sauce, cheeses, “yellow” sauce to name a few). The secret menu is pretty hilarious to negotiate, but undeniably the standard burgers rise above the pack for flavour, balance and consistency.

In-N-Out Burger - 3.5 (B) 4 (V) 7.5 (P) 4 (AM) = 19/20

Arby’s - Frightening. Even the food stylist’s imagery can’t seem to make what is ostensibly mushy, limp roast beef in a burger bun with some waxy yellow cheese look more than a venereal disease infested orifice. With the catch cry of “I’m thinking roast beef” as fundamental to the Arby’s mantra, you can literally get just that in your burger bun, without cheese, or sauce, or vegetables, in three sizes (regular, medium, large). It truly perplexes me as to who could consume such a thing, particularly without the lubrication of sauce, and how their peristalsis reacts to such a food material during the eating process. In terms of smell and taste, you get a raw green tomato smell off the meat with a stomach turning texture and no identifiable roast beef flavour. Simple. People must eat this stuff for it to have the 3680 plus stores in North America, but I’m not sure who finds it palatable.

Arby’s Roast Beef Sandwiches - 1.5 (B) 0.5 (VA) 2 (P) 3 (AM) = 7/20

Dairy Queen -The Classic Grillburger comes out looking slightly nuclear in its radiance and positivity, but cardboard flavours and mediocracy take over. There is so much going for a burger in a seedless bun, particularly the opportunity to define yourself in an industry rife with sesame covered bread products, but of course, this is America, and Americans ideally need something sweet with their meat products. Brioche looking bun covers “thick” 1/4 pound slab of meat with “thick cut” tomato, lettuce, pickles, mayo. So little love goes into this burger you can almost here the gasps of embarrassment when normally dairy product orientated staff have to cook this sub-par product. Smells of nothing, tastes of nothing, does nothing. For added excitement check out the “Flamethrower” Grillburger. Its a Classic but with Tabasco flavoured mayo, pepperjack cheese, jalapeno bacon. How they manage to get pigs to flavour their own internals with jalapeno I will never know, but as with all great American ingenuity combining two totally unrelated food stuffs just seems so damn fuckin normal… So why not add three of em into a burger (Tabasco/mayo, pepper/cheese, jalapeno/pig)?

DQ Classic Grillburger = 2 (B) 2 (VA) 4 (P) 4 (AM) = 12/20

KFC - A bit of a curve ball with chicken being the obvious meat of choice here, but an inclusion nonetheless in the burger scope of the USA. No eponymous burger exists in the USA, so the KFC Snacker burger was tested for rating purposes. This burger pares things back a bit. Unidentifiable-part-of-chicken-covered-in-deep-fried-stuff patty sits between two warmed sesame seed buns with lettuce and a pepper mayo sauce. The sauce throws off an extra tang which hides the burnt grease flavour so commonly found with Dirty Bird chicken pieces, and really seems to pull the burger together. Not the most flavour packed or natural tasting burger, but certainly finds satisfaction on many levels. The chicken can be a little dry when the piece is thicker than normal, but aromatically its spice profile lifts the whole package.

KFC Snacker - 3.5 (B) 3 (V) 6 (P) 3 (AM) = 15.5/20

An incredible culinary journey indeed… Sure, a few chains might be missing here, but this is the general Burger related fare found on Interstates and littering good strip malls across the country. Stay tuned for more reviews of the pinnacles of culinary excellence - Strip Mall Restaurants of the USA - including Applebees, iHop, TGI Fridays and Waffle House coming soon…