Street Style

There’s less than a month to go in the contest to choose between the donkeys and the elephants for the title of Emperor of the Free World… also known as the US Presidential elections. Don’t worry if you’ve been too busy downloading iPhone apps to keep abreast of developments, because we’re here to fill you in on what you need to know to enjoy the election night fireworks. First up, the contenders:

Republican

John McCain

There are plenty of things to like about this guy. After being born into a proud military family (as opposed to a proud war profiteering family in the case of the Bush presidents), McCain impressed as a future achiever by finishing 894th out of a class of 899 at Naval Academy. Amazingly he was still allowed into a cockpit, so to prove he knew what he was doing, he crashed three planes in separate incidents in the 60s, put down variously to his ‘cockiness’, ‘clowning around’ or ‘not paying attention’. During the Vietnam War he earned the poetic nickname ‘Songbird’ while a POW by giving information about his fellow captors in return for some extra yummy Vietcong bun cha gio. Emerging from this culinary excursion only partially scathed, McCain won election to the US Senate in 1986, where he gained fame by carefully cultivating a fabricated maverick image and calling his wife a “fucking cunt”.

Sarah Palin

Actually believes that humans and dinosaurs co-existed.

Democrat

Barack Obama

Born an adorable mixed-race baby amongst the swaying palm trees of Honolulu, Hawaii, Obama travelled the world with his mum before returning to high school in Honolulu after her death, and subsequently got into weed and blow. As a young man he studied law at Harvard University, palled around with terrorists and formulated a personal political ideology so uppity that he seriously advocated teaching sex education to foetuses. He was elected to the Illinois senate in 1997 on the back of the votes of America-haters, which he parlayed into a successful run for US Senate in 2004. If he wins the election, Obama will become the first black President since Calvin Coolidge in 1924.

Joe Biden

Joe Biden was the first Biden in a thousand generations to get a college and a graduate degree because he was smarter than the rest.

Next issue – Who should I vote for?